Tired of splitting time between teaching your little one the twin virtues of Christianity and an unfettered free market? Lament no more, Russian Jesus Monopoly is here! Any good conservative could have seen this coming. Once the commies bowed out and sacred capitalism stepped in religious freedom was sure to follow. Buy, sell or steal all ten commandments (especially number eight) and you win! Just avoid getting mired on one of the seven deadly sin spaces; you might be able to seduce your opponent into trading that seventh commandment but it’ll be all for naught if you lose your next three turns while trapped in lust! Jesus Monopoly: the most coveted game in all Novgorod!
I’m a little late to this party but could not help but point out these glorious John Calvin chocolates in the hope that they might bless us all with a second coming. Who among us hasn’t lamented the lack of high-class sweets made according to theological principles? Chocolatier Blaise Poyet, for one! Snickers might satisfy hunger but it will never inspire proper meditation on the character of divine transcendence. Per Poyet, the first layer is a classic, smooth and runny praline mix…
"…but we have 'reformed' it, by using crunchy caramelised hazelnuts, and using salt from the Swiss Alps to make the praline slightly savoury. The second layer uses a ‘chocolate Grand Cru from Bolivia’, made from 68 percent cocoa paste, to represent Calvin's theology of the glory and perfection of God.
"…it is undeniable that in (Calvin’s) actions, he demonstrated exceptional tenderness, So we have used a caramel made from Swiss cream that that slightly softens the chocolate to represent in a discreet way this love for one's neighbour."
Calvin’s 500th anniversary may be long past but it’s nice to know his sweet, sweet doctrine of limited atonement lives on. Calvin chocolates: they’re totally depraved!
Love Hurts
Finally, this lovely tool takes the sacred doctrine of “spare the rod, spoil the child” to heart. (It’s in the Bible somewhere, I swear! In…Hezekiah, or something) Anyway, the Proverbs Paddle is the perfect tool to help your little one on the path to salvation, much as a cattle prod keeps a wandering bovine running down the chute towards Javier Bardem’s special little tool. Spanking is always painful (that’s the point!) but one glance over her shaking shoulder will surely show sassy little Susie that you swat out of the love of Jesus. The little fish says this punishment is holy! Order your Proverbs Paddle today and be ready next time your beloved covenant child cheats at Jesus Monopoly or sneaks a reformed chocolate before dinner. The Proverbs Paddle: it can’t be beat!
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